When TTC takes over

So here I am, more than a year of trying for a third child. I am on that road that ends very near; I have done nearly everything I can do to increase my chances of a healthy successful pregnancy. I have taken vitamins nonstop daily; both pre natal’s and a Folic Acid supplement. I have drunken 8oz of Pomegranate juice daily in an effort to increase my uterine lining and stopped drinking caffeine and alcohol for a period. I have taken my temperature everyday for the last 6 months at the same time every morning to determine my ovulation time, taken Ovulation Prediction Kits – OPKs the last three months so see when my (surge) peak time is, and have completely for the most part forgot what it’s like to enjoy sex, instead settling for a quickie in an effort to get as many swimmers in as possible. I forgo going to the gym thinking that working out to hard in the two week wait might make me have a miscarriage (completely irrational and untrue I know).

Having another child has in essence taken over my life. I’m constantly on baby mode. During fertile week I think of quickies, during the time after the fertile week and ovulation I’m in the two week wait and wondering if this is our month, constantly watching my temperatures and if they’re going up or down, if there’s a pattern, wondering if between days 6 and 10 if I’ll have a dip in temperatures (a hopeful implantation dip), when it’s not our month and my menstrual cycle starts again, I’m heartbroken and tears fall…..after a day or two when I’m use to the dreaded bitch and her ugly face, all I can think about is the next 12-17 days when we can “try” again.

It kills me to see a pregnant woman, to walk past a baby store, and sometimes to look at a calendar at the dates of what was and what should have been. It aggravates me to hear people tell me what I should do, what I should have done, and their “words of encouragement”; maybe it’s not meant to be, maybe it’s not in God’s plan. I have gone through grief, bitterness, hate, and anger, however now I’m just at a loss. I know, aside from seeing doctors and fertility specialists (which we will not do), I have done everything I can…….and so we wait and I obsess.